Back to blogging

I put off writing anything in here because I got my wonderful job at SirsiDynix and life got busy and I didn't really have the time or desire to blog. Now, however, we live in Missouri and I'm working for myself again, so I really want to keep all of you updated on how the Davises are doing, especially since we live much further away from most of you than we did in the past.

I never in a million years thought that we would be living in Missouri. It's been quite the change from Utah but we absolutely love it. We have the cutest house in the middle of the country and we recently adopted a dog, which has always been a dream of Cory's.

Cory has started school and is really liking his Master's program. We're going to apply for vet school again for next year and hope that he gets into the University of Missouri so we can stay here. We've made some great friends and just love it here.

I am now working as a health coach for a wonderful program that has helped so many people lose weight and stay healthy for life. If you would like to learn more about it you can check out my website HealthCoachKristen.com and send me a request for more detailed information. I'd really love to tell you about it.

I'm also going to start my weight loss blog again. There's a link in the side bar if you want to follow that.

Here's some pictures!

We had a lot of stuff to pack up, and my mom is so wonderful that she came to Provo to help us get ready.

Our beautiful new cabin home. This was while we were still unpacking so there's lots of empty boxes and other junk on the porch. 

Our new pup, Petra. She really loves Cory.

I really should be over this by now

But I'm not.

My due date for my lost pregnancy was November 3rd. I know so many people that will be delivering right around that time. I can count six just off the top of my head and I'm pretty sure there are more. If you're one of these people I really am happy for you, really and truly. It's just hard to see my friends growing bellies and knowing there's a fresh new baby inside of them waiting to see the world. And knowing that should also be me.

It's hard. It's been about six months since I miscarried and we haven't been able to get pregnant since. Plus, now it's looking like we'll have to postpone the baby making so I can get a job while Cory finishes school. That's a hard realization to face when all I want to do is be a mother.

I'm sorry for being a whiner. It's just how I feel...most of the time. I'm getting better at controlling these emotions but they're always there, lingering under the surface. I don't know why I felt the need to share this with the blogging world again, but I did and I am.

I talked to my mom this morning about this. When I talk to my mom I always regress just a little bit and I complained about how it just isn't fair. She wisely told me that of course it isn't fair. We understood that before we came here. We knew life would be hard and that things wouldn't always work out the way we want them too, but we chose this anyway. Deep down I know this. I know that life is meant to be full of trials and that we are supposed to grow from them. I just wish this trial wasn't mine. I know I'm strong enough to handle it and that I'll learn something from it (and if I'm being perfectly honest with myself, I've known most of my life I was going to struggle with this), but I still don't want it.

Whew, okay. I'm done. Please forgive me. Happy things next time, I promise.

Feel free to not read this one

Two in one day, whew. I'll get back on track soon, I just had something jarring happen to me today and I wanted to post this and start this goal today rather than on Wednesday. This was scheduled to go up on Wednesday so some of it might sound weird.

Today's topic might make a few of you uncomfortable and I just want you to be fully warned before reading on. It's not something I'm uncomfortable talking about, if it were I wouldn't be writing this, but I don't want you to get yourself into something that you'll wish you hadn't started. Today's post will be personal and it will be about my weight. This will also be a lot longer than I usually like my posts to be.

If I gain one more pound I will be officially obese for my height. That's a disturbing thought. I've never been tiny and I've always known that I would have issues with my weight, but it's never been this real before. Please don't try to give me the "you look great" spiel because I know I don't and I know that I haven't for a long time.

I'm going to blame part of it on my genes. Both of my parents have struggled with their weight and most of my extended family has as well. I've been very impressed with several of my relatives, though, who have really tried hard to be healthy despite the genetic disadvantages. Both of my parents are excellent examples. My mom has lost over 80 pounds and is probably the smallest she's been in a long time. She looks great and feels great. My dad has lost 100 pounds and it makes me happy that he's getting healthier and will be around a lot longer than he would have been. I'm glad that my parents are healthy and happy and that they have tried so hard to get to where they are now.

I'm going to blame the second part of my current state on the fact that I am a lazy bum. I try to exercise regularly but it's so easy for me to make up excuses. "I was up really late last night," or "I have too many other things to get done today," or "I'm on my period," or "It's too hot outside to go running." I like the way I feel when I exercise but that's not always the best motivation for me. I've always been one for immediate gratification and sleeping in usually makes me happier more quickly than going for a run does.

And the third source of blame? I like to eat. A lot. I love the way food tastes and the way it feels in my mouth. I've never been happy with the way that I look but I always knew that I would never have issues with under eating because of the way I feel about food. I love different tastes and textures and trying new foods and recipes. My love of food gets a little weird sometimes though. Very often, I can't not eat something that I think looks good and sometimes it's so bad that I start eyeing the largest piece or desiring the last morsel. This is a terribly unhealthy habit and I know it's buried somewhere in my psychosis because I can feel weird parts of my brain firing and my blood pressure rising when I feel a particular need to eat something. I know, it's strange. I wish I could explain it better. And I really don't understand it, deep down I know that one bite will taste the same as the next or that I'll have other opportunities to sample this particular food, but for whatever reason I have to have the most and I have to have it now. I have a really strange relationship with food.

I can't control the genes part but I can control the other two. Those parts of me need to change. I'm all about loving my body and not comparing myself to others but it's hard to see someone who looks really cute in an outfit I like and know that I would never be able to wear it. And it's hard to think that people might be judging me because of my weight. And it's hard to always be "the fat friend" with all the tiny people around me. I want to be happy and I am often not. So, here's my goal and my promise to you. I am going to get in shape. I am going to regulate what I eat and I am going to exercise. I am going to lose weight and feel good about myself. I know that I'll never be a size 2 and I honestly don't want to be, but I want to be happy and I want to feel like I can wear clothes from the stores I like and I want to like the way I look and I want my husband to think I'm even more beautiful and sexy than he already does.

Okay, here's the hard part for me. It's something I don't do very often, and only the fact that I know I don't have very many readers is making me able to do this (I'm going to pretend that nobody pays attention to facebook and assume I only have 18 readers). I'm going to tell you how much I weigh. A few days ago I weighed myself at 191 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 29.9. Oh wow, that's a lot. I have put on 10 pounds since I graduated from BYU and it shows and I can feel it. I would really love to weigh what I did my senior year of high school. I tried really hard at the beginning of that school year and dropped 20 pounds to about 150. I was still "the fat friend" but at least I wasn't overweight anymore. And now, for a 23 year old woman, I'm going to say that's not a bad weight and it will put me in the normal range for my height. Plus, it will probably help to fix my infertility, at least I hope so. 150 pounds is my goal and my promise to you. I'm not going to set a definite time limit because I don't have any realistic idea of how long this will take, and if I do end up getting pregnant this will no longer be my goal, but I will lose 40 pounds, preferably within the next 6 months. That's roughly 1 1/2 pounds a week. I don't care if you're interested or not, but to keep me motivated I'm going to be making regular updates of my progress and about what I learn along the way.

Please don't take this to be a rant about how I want to be different than I am or how I wish I looked like the Victoria's Secret models or anything like that. Yes, I have body image issues, as I'm sure many do, but I try to be accepting of myself, even if I don't always succeed. This is more about the understanding that I am getting older and I'm not going to be able to always eat whatever I want with minimal consequences. The weight loss part is about getting healthy and then staying healthy. I don't want to be super skinny, and with my bone structure I can guarantee I never will, but I want to feel good about myself and I want to be healthy. To me, that's what this is about.

I started a new blog for this journey where I'll be making progress updates. If you want to read about it you can go to http://learningtolovekristen.blogspot.com/.

What a Zoo

If Cory ever gets around to posting his "about" page you'll learn that he loves animals, probably more than he loves me (although if you know him I'm sure you found out from him personally). I on the other hand couldn't care less about animals. They smell bad and they make a mess and they are pretty stupid. Okay that's a little harsh, but the more Cory gushes about everything to do with the animal kingdom the more I feel like I have to be the complete opposite.

I especially don't like dogs and all Cory can talk about is getting a dog and naming our dogs and what he's going to do with a dog and what kind of dog he wants. It drives me bonkers.

Here's a picture of his current favorite. It's a bull terrier.

Image Source

Get a load of that football head.

And then he talks about all the weird pets we're going to have. 

Like a capybara, the world's largest rodent. 

Cuddly, right?

Image Source

Or the guanacos we'll have to teach our kids responsibility.

 (If you ask me they're kinda creepy)

Image Source

When he's really dreaming big he thinks we're going to get pygmy hippos and miniature zebu and brahman cattle.

Image Source

Image Source

Image Source

Needless to say, our house will be a zoo, and not in the figurative sense where we have lots of kids and lots of things going on. I mean literally a zoo with crazy weird animals running around. And guess who's going to have to take care of the zoo while the one who wanted it is at work. That's right, me.

We already own a pair of sugar gliders (his 24th birthday present) and a betta fish (which Cory got for free from his evolutionary biology class). We're well on our way to a house full of beasts.

If you want my opinion I'd be happy with a fluffy bunny.

Ah, the Brits

I have a soft spot for everything English. And I don't just mean the language and literature. I'm talking about that wonderful country across the pond. I love their food (well mostly just fish and chips) and their humor and their television and their accents. I mean, come on! They came up with Monty Python, Harry Potter, and Doctor Who, of course they're wonderful people.

Recently, I found a youtube channel run by a British kid from Bath. His name is Charlie McDonnell and he's hilarious and talented. I highly recommend checking out his stuff. It makes me so happy to watch his videos and every time I watch one I spend the next fifteen minutes thinking with a British accent.

Cory is applying for veterinary school this fall and I'm working heavily to convince him that he needs to get into the Royal Veterinary College so we can live in London for four years. Wouldn't that be awesome? I've been kicking myself that I never went to England while I was in Europe and I think I need to make up for it somethin' fierce.

I'm gradumacating

I can't tell you how stinking excited I am! This has been a tough semester in many ways and I'm glad that it's over and that I get to take a little break from school. Or a big break. I haven't quite decided about grad school yet but I think I will take the GRE at least. Especially since it's going to get harder this August.
My family is coming into town tomorrow night and will be here for the festivities and I already have my shoes and dress picked out :) It's going to be a good couple days.
I have lots of projects and goals that I'm going to work on once school is over and I can't wait to get started.
How many of you are also graduating? Any big plans afterwards?

I have a confession to make

Cory and I found out that we were pregnant on March 2nd. It was the greatest birthday present.
We tried to keep it to ourselves but I'm afraid we (mostly I) told the news to way too many people. And now we have to deal with the pain of telling those people that we miscarried. I had been experiencing some spotting since the 3rd and went to the doctor on the 7th. They did some blood tests to check my hCG levels which went from 580 to 763 between the 7th, a Monday, and the 8th which is definitely good. On Wednesday, though, the spotting turned into bleeding and I was having some really bad cramps that afternoon and evening. The doctor we saw on Thursday thought that it was just too early in my pregnancy to be able to see anything on the ultrasound and that everything would be fine but with the amount of bleeding going on I knew I had miscarried. He ordered another blood test for this last Monday, the 14th, and unfortunately my levels had dropped to 71 which is a pretty good indication of a lost pregnancy.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I wanted this baby so badly and to lose it so soon is completely heartbreaking. Cory tries to reassure me with, "at least now we know that it is possible for us to get pregnant" and "the baby wasn't developing properly, don't we want to have a healthy baby" and other such things, all of which I understand and which are very comforting but it's still hard for me to distance myself emotionally from what was to be the next eight months.
I'm the kind of person who removes completely from a painful situation once I've been hurt and I kind of worry that I won't be able to bond with our next pregnancy. I'm not sure I want to. I'm not sure if I could stand it again. The thought of miscarrying again is the scariest thing to me right now. I don't think my heart or my faith would be able to handle the pain. Cory says that I feel things way too strongly and sometimes I wish that weren't so.
I wanted to write this for two reasons. First, so that all of you who may have known about the pregnancy can know, without me having to say it directly, that I am no longer pregnant. And, second, so I could get my feelings about it down. It's hard for me to speak these things and I know people will want to ask questions so these are my answers.

So many unanswered questions

And I doubt I'll receive answers any time soon.

I wish I knew things that I don't. I wish I knew what I would be doing after I graduate. I wish I knew how we would be able to afford a family with Cory still in school for the next 6 years. I wish I could see just a little bit of how the future will be.

I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I do have ambitions and things that I want to be or become but nothing that compares with having my own children. And yet, the more I think about what's in store for us, the more I wonder if that aspect of my life will be possible as soon as I was hoping it would. The more I think about it the more likely it seems that we just won't be able to afford it or handle the stress until we leave Provo and honestly, it kinda hurts. I go over these things and all the different scenarios over and over in my head but I can never draw any real conclusions. I've been trying to learn to trust the Lord but I've always been a forward thinker and being so unsure about so many things is hard. It's hard for me to humble myself to that extent. It's hard being so patient.