Happy Birthday Nicoley!

My baby sister turns 20 today! Weird... Sometimes I still think of her as being a little 8-year-old, mostly because I tried to mother her when we were younger. I'm only about 3 and 1/2 years older than her, but for some reason that makes me feel a lot older and responsible for her.

Growing up, it was just the two of us, and boy, could we fight. I was not a nice sister. I attribute this to two things. First, our radically different personalities, and second, the lack of another sibling to go to or to also fight with. Two was just not a good number in our house.

I'm happy to say that now Nicoley and I are the best of friends. She's the one I want to talk to when I'm bored. She's the one I want to hang out with when I have free time. She's the one that I can talk to about pretty much anything. Not living together has been great for us and our relationship. It's funny because when we have to be in close proximity to each other for extended periods of time again, we fall right back into our old habits. We took a three-day trip this last summer to go back home for my cousin's wedding, just the two of us, and we had a blast for the first two and a half days of it but after a full day of driving, a busy wedding day, and another full day of driving, we were mad as hell at each other. We spent the last almost five hours of the drive in absolute silence. It was weird.

Anyway, happy birthday Nicoley. You are the best sister in the world, and I love you so much. I'm so glad that we're friends now and that you laugh with me over the stupidest stuff. We really do need big neon signs on our foreheads to proclaim to the world that we're not crazy, just sisters.

I really should be over this by now

But I'm not.

My due date for my lost pregnancy was November 3rd. I know so many people that will be delivering right around that time. I can count six just off the top of my head and I'm pretty sure there are more. If you're one of these people I really am happy for you, really and truly. It's just hard to see my friends growing bellies and knowing there's a fresh new baby inside of them waiting to see the world. And knowing that should also be me.

It's hard. It's been about six months since I miscarried and we haven't been able to get pregnant since. Plus, now it's looking like we'll have to postpone the baby making so I can get a job while Cory finishes school. That's a hard realization to face when all I want to do is be a mother.

I'm sorry for being a whiner. It's just how I feel...most of the time. I'm getting better at controlling these emotions but they're always there, lingering under the surface. I don't know why I felt the need to share this with the blogging world again, but I did and I am.

I talked to my mom this morning about this. When I talk to my mom I always regress just a little bit and I complained about how it just isn't fair. She wisely told me that of course it isn't fair. We understood that before we came here. We knew life would be hard and that things wouldn't always work out the way we want them too, but we chose this anyway. Deep down I know this. I know that life is meant to be full of trials and that we are supposed to grow from them. I just wish this trial wasn't mine. I know I'm strong enough to handle it and that I'll learn something from it (and if I'm being perfectly honest with myself, I've known most of my life I was going to struggle with this), but I still don't want it.

Whew, okay. I'm done. Please forgive me. Happy things next time, I promise.

Feel free to not read this one

Two in one day, whew. I'll get back on track soon, I just had something jarring happen to me today and I wanted to post this and start this goal today rather than on Wednesday. This was scheduled to go up on Wednesday so some of it might sound weird.

Today's topic might make a few of you uncomfortable and I just want you to be fully warned before reading on. It's not something I'm uncomfortable talking about, if it were I wouldn't be writing this, but I don't want you to get yourself into something that you'll wish you hadn't started. Today's post will be personal and it will be about my weight. This will also be a lot longer than I usually like my posts to be.

If I gain one more pound I will be officially obese for my height. That's a disturbing thought. I've never been tiny and I've always known that I would have issues with my weight, but it's never been this real before. Please don't try to give me the "you look great" spiel because I know I don't and I know that I haven't for a long time.

I'm going to blame part of it on my genes. Both of my parents have struggled with their weight and most of my extended family has as well. I've been very impressed with several of my relatives, though, who have really tried hard to be healthy despite the genetic disadvantages. Both of my parents are excellent examples. My mom has lost over 80 pounds and is probably the smallest she's been in a long time. She looks great and feels great. My dad has lost 100 pounds and it makes me happy that he's getting healthier and will be around a lot longer than he would have been. I'm glad that my parents are healthy and happy and that they have tried so hard to get to where they are now.

I'm going to blame the second part of my current state on the fact that I am a lazy bum. I try to exercise regularly but it's so easy for me to make up excuses. "I was up really late last night," or "I have too many other things to get done today," or "I'm on my period," or "It's too hot outside to go running." I like the way I feel when I exercise but that's not always the best motivation for me. I've always been one for immediate gratification and sleeping in usually makes me happier more quickly than going for a run does.

And the third source of blame? I like to eat. A lot. I love the way food tastes and the way it feels in my mouth. I've never been happy with the way that I look but I always knew that I would never have issues with under eating because of the way I feel about food. I love different tastes and textures and trying new foods and recipes. My love of food gets a little weird sometimes though. Very often, I can't not eat something that I think looks good and sometimes it's so bad that I start eyeing the largest piece or desiring the last morsel. This is a terribly unhealthy habit and I know it's buried somewhere in my psychosis because I can feel weird parts of my brain firing and my blood pressure rising when I feel a particular need to eat something. I know, it's strange. I wish I could explain it better. And I really don't understand it, deep down I know that one bite will taste the same as the next or that I'll have other opportunities to sample this particular food, but for whatever reason I have to have the most and I have to have it now. I have a really strange relationship with food.

I can't control the genes part but I can control the other two. Those parts of me need to change. I'm all about loving my body and not comparing myself to others but it's hard to see someone who looks really cute in an outfit I like and know that I would never be able to wear it. And it's hard to think that people might be judging me because of my weight. And it's hard to always be "the fat friend" with all the tiny people around me. I want to be happy and I am often not. So, here's my goal and my promise to you. I am going to get in shape. I am going to regulate what I eat and I am going to exercise. I am going to lose weight and feel good about myself. I know that I'll never be a size 2 and I honestly don't want to be, but I want to be happy and I want to feel like I can wear clothes from the stores I like and I want to like the way I look and I want my husband to think I'm even more beautiful and sexy than he already does.

Okay, here's the hard part for me. It's something I don't do very often, and only the fact that I know I don't have very many readers is making me able to do this (I'm going to pretend that nobody pays attention to facebook and assume I only have 18 readers). I'm going to tell you how much I weigh. A few days ago I weighed myself at 191 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 29.9. Oh wow, that's a lot. I have put on 10 pounds since I graduated from BYU and it shows and I can feel it. I would really love to weigh what I did my senior year of high school. I tried really hard at the beginning of that school year and dropped 20 pounds to about 150. I was still "the fat friend" but at least I wasn't overweight anymore. And now, for a 23 year old woman, I'm going to say that's not a bad weight and it will put me in the normal range for my height. Plus, it will probably help to fix my infertility, at least I hope so. 150 pounds is my goal and my promise to you. I'm not going to set a definite time limit because I don't have any realistic idea of how long this will take, and if I do end up getting pregnant this will no longer be my goal, but I will lose 40 pounds, preferably within the next 6 months. That's roughly 1 1/2 pounds a week. I don't care if you're interested or not, but to keep me motivated I'm going to be making regular updates of my progress and about what I learn along the way.

Please don't take this to be a rant about how I want to be different than I am or how I wish I looked like the Victoria's Secret models or anything like that. Yes, I have body image issues, as I'm sure many do, but I try to be accepting of myself, even if I don't always succeed. This is more about the understanding that I am getting older and I'm not going to be able to always eat whatever I want with minimal consequences. The weight loss part is about getting healthy and then staying healthy. I don't want to be super skinny, and with my bone structure I can guarantee I never will, but I want to feel good about myself and I want to be healthy. To me, that's what this is about.

I started a new blog for this journey where I'll be making progress updates. If you want to read about it you can go to http://learningtolovekristen.blogspot.com/.

mish-mash

Today's post is going to be a mish-mash of information and thoughts and (especially) requests for feedback.

1. In regards to my post last Friday, I would like to say that I am proud of Cory and am glad that he has something he is so passionate about. My mom told me recently that I sounded kinda bratty in that post and I just wanted to make you aware that most of what I said was meant to be taken as a joke. Yes, I don't love animals and I'm not really looking forward to taking care of so many, but I like that Cory has such a strong interest and if supporting him in it means I have to clean up animal poop, so be it.

2. On a related note, Cory keeps asking me if having a bunny has changed my mind about pets in general. It doesn't really. I'm still not very comfortable around animals but I'm working on it.

3. I really like the way my blog looks now. I know I jumped around a bit with the design. Sorry about that. But, now I want to know what you think. Is it clean and inviting? Do you like the colors? Is it easy to read? I especially want to know the answer to that last question. If it's hard to read, whether it's the font or the color of the text, etc., I want to know. I don't want you to not read my blog because it gives you a headache :)

4. I've been thinking a little bit about how now that I'm posting more, most of my life is readily available to you without me having to tell you what's going on. I promise I still have other things to talk about. I was with a friend the other day, and I kinda got the impression that she doesn't read this because she kept asking me about things that I had written about. I felt kinda silly talking about things that I thought she had already read and it made me think that maybe I shouldn't be posting as much as I have been. I really enjoy blogging now especially since I've figured out how to make it work for me, but if it's going to make my real life boring maybe I should cut back. What do you think? It's nice for me to have somewhere to express myself now that I spend a lot of time at home alone but I don't want you to feel like I'm overloading you with my life and thoughts. I want this to be something you enjoy reading and I am open to suggestions.

That's about it for today. Please be honest in your feedback.

BYU Magazine Contest Entry

I wrote this article for a contest that the BYU Magazine was holding. It didn't win anything but I was proud of it and wanted to share it with you. Let me know what you think if you would like.

While we like to focus on the high-flyers here at BYU, I personally like to remember that with a campus of 30,000 students there are bound to be a few regular people just like me, trying to find their place in the world.

I have friends who have always known what they were going to do. Three of my friends wanted to be nurses and they did it. I know musicians who are chasing their dreams, dental hygienists who love it, and teachers who can’t wait to inspire youngsters. Even my own husband has loved animals since he was a toddler, and guess what, he’s going to vet school. I, however, have never been this way. I’ve definitely had ambitions; I wanted to be a classical pianist, a pediatrician, and various kinds of teachers. I even wanted to be a theoretical physicist, but I’ve never had one thing that I knew was my calling.

I came to BYU as a declared psychology major. I took general psychology and knew right away, that was not and never would be for me. I had had a great psychology teacher in high school but I soon discovered that the theories I would have to memorize were not nearly as interesting as the cool little tests we had taken and the movies we had watched. So, I had a quarter-life crisis seven years early and cried to a roommate about my frustrations with not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. As we discussed this, I told her how I really liked the cognitive process involved with learning and using a language. She then suggested I look into linguistics. “If you like language so much, you should spend time learning about how it works.”

So, I did. I declared the linguistics major, took the introductory class, and loved it. I had found what I had always been looking for. If I had known myself better then, I would have stuck with it but I let my logical brain recognize the flaws in this plan and talk my heart out of it. I was thinking too much about the future and what my career would end up being with a degree in linguistics. Did I really want to be a computer programmer or a translator or a CIA agent? No, not really.

So, I once again examined my options and decided to get a German teaching degree. I had taken German in high school, continued it in college, and really enjoyed the language. But after another year and a study abroad in Vienna I decided that I wouldn’t enjoy teaching German. I had gained a broader world-view, and a confidence in myself; but not in my German skills

I was at the end of my wits, and my junior year, when I ran into that same roommate again on campus. I told her about my irritation with German and how much I wished I could justify studying linguistics. She told me about her friend who was in the English language program and studying to become an editor and, once again, my eyes were opened to my true passion. I found the program that would let me study linguistics but that would also prepare me with skills I could use in a future career I would actually enjoy. My heart and my brain were finally reconciled.

I think my experience is not uncommon at BYU. We frequently hear about those that know what they want and how they are going to achieve it and, I say, good for them. But for those of us who aren’t so sure, it might just take a good roommate to help us figure out what we really want to get out of this wonderful experience called an education. While we are intended to learn as much as we can about the world around us while we are here at BYU, I had to learn the long and hard way that it’s most important to take the time to learn about yourself and what your desires are.

Enter to learn who you are so you can go forth to serve those who still need to find themselves.

My first time with Write On Wednesdays

During one of my recent blog perusals I happened upon inkpaperpen a lovely blog which holds a weekly blogfest called Write On Wednesdays. Most of the people that participate submit some creative piece, but I've never been much for creative writing. However, I do like to write and thought I would take this weekly opportunity to share a memory based on the prompt. Personally, I'm interested to see what I come up with each week.

The idea behind Write On Wednesdays is to set a timer for five minutes and just write what first comes to mind based on the prompt. I like this exercise and thought I would make it a weekly segment on this blog about our life. I'm going to try to get Cory to participate as well, I think it would be fun to see what he comes up with.

Anyway, this week's prompt is based off of this photo:

 

taken by Kristy of House of Prowse

Well, here goes.

Trees are so important to me. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest and loved every inch of the greenery. Living in Utah makes me sad sometimes with how brown it is here. One day I’ll make it back to the trees.

The house I spent most of my young childhood in had the most lovely yard. At least, that’s how I remember it. When I was really young there were tall trees that lined our property. I think they might have been elms or birches (it’s hard to remember what they were exactly) and I used to play around them and in the tall grass that they stood in. I made up all sorts of games and stories and had so much fun. I don’t know why but one day my dad decided that the trees needed to be gone. He spent a whole day chopping them down and clearing out that portion of the lawn. I was heartbroken. Those trees were my friends and I had had so much fun with them. My family has moved several times since, yet I always remember that little spot where my imagination took flight and the sadness I felt at losing my trees.

Thanks for your comments on my short piece. I'm really excited to join the Write On Wednesdays movement and look forward to many more fun opportunities to chronicle my memories from these prompts.

What the heck!

I've decided I need to start taking pictures more often. It would probably make this blog more interesting and then I could work on those digital scrapbooks I've been wanting to make. If I'm gonna do that I'm gonna need pictures first, right.

I've also decided that I need some sort of creative outlet. I'm gonna give songwriting a shot (Shh, don't tell my band). I need to have something that I can occupy my time with other than movies and facebook. Can I just tell you how much I hate the internet. It sucks me in and won't let go.

Along with deciding some things I've also realized another. This blog says Cory and Kristen in the title but really it's just me (Kristen...obviously). Cory doesn't really get into it. Not that I do either. But I feel kinda weird having a "family blog" when all I ever do is talk about myself. Well, I guess I do talk about him also but it is mostly me and what I'm thinking and feeling. I guess I just haven't quite figured out how to write about both of us without it turning into, "we did this and then we did this and it was fun." I don't know about you but, for me, that can get really old really fast. Let's just call this blog a work in progress and one of these days I'll figure out what it is I'm actually wanting to talk about.

And now for the what the heck. I have had a couple weeks full of epic fails. I scraped up the side of our car real bad trying to park in our garage. I got the starting time of the 5k I was supposed to run completely wrong and missed it. I've been misreading and forgetting things left and right. I've been having some weird sort of depression that I just can't get out of (and not being able to leave the house sure doesn't help at all). If five pregnancy tests hadn't already told me otherwise I would say I'm suffering from my pregnant brain. Gahhhhh! I wish I could think straight.

I have a confession to make

Cory and I found out that we were pregnant on March 2nd. It was the greatest birthday present.
We tried to keep it to ourselves but I'm afraid we (mostly I) told the news to way too many people. And now we have to deal with the pain of telling those people that we miscarried. I had been experiencing some spotting since the 3rd and went to the doctor on the 7th. They did some blood tests to check my hCG levels which went from 580 to 763 between the 7th, a Monday, and the 8th which is definitely good. On Wednesday, though, the spotting turned into bleeding and I was having some really bad cramps that afternoon and evening. The doctor we saw on Thursday thought that it was just too early in my pregnancy to be able to see anything on the ultrasound and that everything would be fine but with the amount of bleeding going on I knew I had miscarried. He ordered another blood test for this last Monday, the 14th, and unfortunately my levels had dropped to 71 which is a pretty good indication of a lost pregnancy.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I wanted this baby so badly and to lose it so soon is completely heartbreaking. Cory tries to reassure me with, "at least now we know that it is possible for us to get pregnant" and "the baby wasn't developing properly, don't we want to have a healthy baby" and other such things, all of which I understand and which are very comforting but it's still hard for me to distance myself emotionally from what was to be the next eight months.
I'm the kind of person who removes completely from a painful situation once I've been hurt and I kind of worry that I won't be able to bond with our next pregnancy. I'm not sure I want to. I'm not sure if I could stand it again. The thought of miscarrying again is the scariest thing to me right now. I don't think my heart or my faith would be able to handle the pain. Cory says that I feel things way too strongly and sometimes I wish that weren't so.
I wanted to write this for two reasons. First, so that all of you who may have known about the pregnancy can know, without me having to say it directly, that I am no longer pregnant. And, second, so I could get my feelings about it down. It's hard for me to speak these things and I know people will want to ask questions so these are my answers.

Just a few thoughts on yoga

I love yoga. It really helps to clear my mind. Something about the rhythm of my breath and the lengthening of my muscles just puts everything in perspective and I can sort through all of my thoughts and learn to trust my Heavenly Father. It's interesting to me that yoga is a religious practice for Hindus and Buddhists and yet, at least to me, it has implications in my own faith as well. That hour or so of meditation and focus really helps me understand my life better and my place in this world and in my Father's plan.

So many unanswered questions

And I doubt I'll receive answers any time soon.

I wish I knew things that I don't. I wish I knew what I would be doing after I graduate. I wish I knew how we would be able to afford a family with Cory still in school for the next 6 years. I wish I could see just a little bit of how the future will be.

I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I do have ambitions and things that I want to be or become but nothing that compares with having my own children. And yet, the more I think about what's in store for us, the more I wonder if that aspect of my life will be possible as soon as I was hoping it would. The more I think about it the more likely it seems that we just won't be able to afford it or handle the stress until we leave Provo and honestly, it kinda hurts. I go over these things and all the different scenarios over and over in my head but I can never draw any real conclusions. I've been trying to learn to trust the Lord but I've always been a forward thinker and being so unsure about so many things is hard. It's hard for me to humble myself to that extent. It's hard being so patient.

Goodness

I honestly don't know what to do with myself sometimes. It's 11:30 pm and I'm home by myself because Cory is in New Mexico for the weekend. And for whatever reason I just can't bring myself to go to bed. I'm not being productive in the slightest. I'm just sitting here at the computer facebook and blog stalking people. What is my problem? I know I could accomplish so much if I could just apply myself. I need a new outlook on life and new goals.

Are you ready for this? You better hold me to this!

1. I'm going to have personal scripture study every morning before I eat breakfast for at least 20 minutes.

2. I'm going to exercise daily whether that be my various exercise tapes or an aerobics class or a walk with Cory after dinner or anything in between.

3. I'm going to be a better journal keeper. I need to record my memories. I've always prided myself on having a really excellent memory but I know I won't be able to remember the lovely little details of my life forever and I want to be able to look back on this time when I'm old and wrinkly and smile about it.

4. I'm going to be an early to bed early to rise person. Cory is a night owl and so it's hard to get to bed before 11:30 but I'm going to try my hardest to be in bed with or without him (hopefully with him).

5. I'm going to limit my computer time. The brethren talk about this all the time, how we should limit our time with technology and spend that time being productive or with our families. If you see me on facebook chat, tell me to get off :)

6. This semester I am going to be a great student. This is my big one. I usually just scrape by with the bare minimum on my assignments and with cramming for tests but I'm going to make a conscious effort to actually learn this semester. I only have two left and I'm determined to make the most of them.

Well that's it. I don't actually expect you to make sure I keep my goals but it helps me stay faithful to them when I think somebody else is expecting me to do these things.

Love you all tons!

a dilemma is a problem with only two options as solutions... according to the original Latin

I learned that in my Modern American Usage Class

So, here' s my dilemma. I applied for two jobs that I wanted. One was in the Acquisitions Department of the Library on campus as a bibliographer. They wanted someone with German language skills and I thought, "hey I have German language skills" so I went ahead and applied. The second job I applied for about two days later. It was for an Editorial Assistant in the University Accessibility Center. They create alternative forms of text books for students with disabilities and since I'm an editing minor I decided this would be a better choice for me and my future career goals. Also, it pays like a dollar an hour more which, when you're poor and married, makes a big difference.

Ok, so I had an interview with the first job last Friday and they said they would let me know by today. On Tuesday, I was contacted for an interview with the second job which is scheduled for tomorrow morning. This afternoon (Wednesday) I received an email from the first job saying that they wanted to hire me. I'm sort of stressing this as I'm sure you can understand.

I would rather have the Editorial job but I don't want to turn down the Library job because I don't know if I'll get the Editorial job. Also, I can't make the Library wait too long because I'm pretty sure they wanted somebody to start before Thanksgiving and I don't know if I'll find out about the Editorial job before then. This whole situation is making me really nervous. They're both really good jobs and I would love to do them both but honestly I was hoping the Library wouldn't want me just so I wouldn't have this problem but the interview went really well and I was pretty sure I was going to get it and I've been freaking out about this for a while (yes that's a run-on sentence).

I'll let you all know how it goes. I've never had this problem before and I hope that the way I choose to handle it doesn't screw me over.

P.S. As badly as I wanted to I was determined not to write anything on our blog until Cory did. Finally I could write something.