Hooray!

I wish I would've taken a picture of that mole. It was pretty scary and black and shaped really weird. BUT, it wasn't cancer. The doctor's office called today and said it was a benign lesion, which is just a fancy way of saying it was a mole. Oh well. It was worrying me and now it's gone and I will have a beautiful new scar on my back once the stitches get taken out.

Hello Dear Friends

Life is truckin' right along. It took me about a month to get used to the no school/unemployed thing but I think it's going really well.

Cory and I went to Oregon for a few weeks. He has to be in the state for at least 30 days every year to keep his residency status for veterinary school. It was a great trip. We got to spend lots of time with my family and help my parents with their new house. We got to go to a family reunion of my mom's side which was tons of fun. I got to see relatives that I hadn't seen in years and it was great. I even got to be with my cousin Liz when she bought her wedding dress. Actually, I bought her wedding dress but that's a long story and I got paid back. I just think it's funny. We also got to spend time with Cory's family and got to go to his brother Brice's graduation. He'll be coming to BYU in the fall and we're super excited to have him here.

I recently started my own freelance editing business and have been doing really really well. I've had jobs from people who want help with books they're writing and also from larger companies like Melaleuca and the International Food and Agribusiness Management Association. I'm still pretty smalltime but tell your friends.

Yesterday, I had a scary-looking mole removed from my back. It's being tested right now to see if it was cancerous. I should know in a week or so and I'll let you know the results. My Aunt Karen posted a really moving youtube video about melanoma awareness on facebook and I thought I would share it with you since skin cancer has kinda been on my mind lately.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jgUcxMezM

I'm trying to be better about posting so hopefully these will come more regularly.

Until next time, I love you.

I'm gradumacating

I can't tell you how stinking excited I am! This has been a tough semester in many ways and I'm glad that it's over and that I get to take a little break from school. Or a big break. I haven't quite decided about grad school yet but I think I will take the GRE at least. Especially since it's going to get harder this August.
My family is coming into town tomorrow night and will be here for the festivities and I already have my shoes and dress picked out :) It's going to be a good couple days.
I have lots of projects and goals that I'm going to work on once school is over and I can't wait to get started.
How many of you are also graduating? Any big plans afterwards?

I have a confession to make

Cory and I found out that we were pregnant on March 2nd. It was the greatest birthday present.
We tried to keep it to ourselves but I'm afraid we (mostly I) told the news to way too many people. And now we have to deal with the pain of telling those people that we miscarried. I had been experiencing some spotting since the 3rd and went to the doctor on the 7th. They did some blood tests to check my hCG levels which went from 580 to 763 between the 7th, a Monday, and the 8th which is definitely good. On Wednesday, though, the spotting turned into bleeding and I was having some really bad cramps that afternoon and evening. The doctor we saw on Thursday thought that it was just too early in my pregnancy to be able to see anything on the ultrasound and that everything would be fine but with the amount of bleeding going on I knew I had miscarried. He ordered another blood test for this last Monday, the 14th, and unfortunately my levels had dropped to 71 which is a pretty good indication of a lost pregnancy.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I wanted this baby so badly and to lose it so soon is completely heartbreaking. Cory tries to reassure me with, "at least now we know that it is possible for us to get pregnant" and "the baby wasn't developing properly, don't we want to have a healthy baby" and other such things, all of which I understand and which are very comforting but it's still hard for me to distance myself emotionally from what was to be the next eight months.
I'm the kind of person who removes completely from a painful situation once I've been hurt and I kind of worry that I won't be able to bond with our next pregnancy. I'm not sure I want to. I'm not sure if I could stand it again. The thought of miscarrying again is the scariest thing to me right now. I don't think my heart or my faith would be able to handle the pain. Cory says that I feel things way too strongly and sometimes I wish that weren't so.
I wanted to write this for two reasons. First, so that all of you who may have known about the pregnancy can know, without me having to say it directly, that I am no longer pregnant. And, second, so I could get my feelings about it down. It's hard for me to speak these things and I know people will want to ask questions so these are my answers.

I'm so done with school. I love learning but I hate homework. I applied for graduation though so an end is in sight! Now I just have to figure out what I'm doing after graduation...

Just a few thoughts on yoga

I love yoga. It really helps to clear my mind. Something about the rhythm of my breath and the lengthening of my muscles just puts everything in perspective and I can sort through all of my thoughts and learn to trust my Heavenly Father. It's interesting to me that yoga is a religious practice for Hindus and Buddhists and yet, at least to me, it has implications in my own faith as well. That hour or so of meditation and focus really helps me understand my life better and my place in this world and in my Father's plan.

So many unanswered questions

And I doubt I'll receive answers any time soon.

I wish I knew things that I don't. I wish I knew what I would be doing after I graduate. I wish I knew how we would be able to afford a family with Cory still in school for the next 6 years. I wish I could see just a little bit of how the future will be.

I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I do have ambitions and things that I want to be or become but nothing that compares with having my own children. And yet, the more I think about what's in store for us, the more I wonder if that aspect of my life will be possible as soon as I was hoping it would. The more I think about it the more likely it seems that we just won't be able to afford it or handle the stress until we leave Provo and honestly, it kinda hurts. I go over these things and all the different scenarios over and over in my head but I can never draw any real conclusions. I've been trying to learn to trust the Lord but I've always been a forward thinker and being so unsure about so many things is hard. It's hard for me to humble myself to that extent. It's hard being so patient.