Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I have a confession to make

Cory and I found out that we were pregnant on March 2nd. It was the greatest birthday present.
We tried to keep it to ourselves but I'm afraid we (mostly I) told the news to way too many people. And now we have to deal with the pain of telling those people that we miscarried. I had been experiencing some spotting since the 3rd and went to the doctor on the 7th. They did some blood tests to check my hCG levels which went from 580 to 763 between the 7th, a Monday, and the 8th which is definitely good. On Wednesday, though, the spotting turned into bleeding and I was having some really bad cramps that afternoon and evening. The doctor we saw on Thursday thought that it was just too early in my pregnancy to be able to see anything on the ultrasound and that everything would be fine but with the amount of bleeding going on I knew I had miscarried. He ordered another blood test for this last Monday, the 14th, and unfortunately my levels had dropped to 71 which is a pretty good indication of a lost pregnancy.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I wanted this baby so badly and to lose it so soon is completely heartbreaking. Cory tries to reassure me with, "at least now we know that it is possible for us to get pregnant" and "the baby wasn't developing properly, don't we want to have a healthy baby" and other such things, all of which I understand and which are very comforting but it's still hard for me to distance myself emotionally from what was to be the next eight months.
I'm the kind of person who removes completely from a painful situation once I've been hurt and I kind of worry that I won't be able to bond with our next pregnancy. I'm not sure I want to. I'm not sure if I could stand it again. The thought of miscarrying again is the scariest thing to me right now. I don't think my heart or my faith would be able to handle the pain. Cory says that I feel things way too strongly and sometimes I wish that weren't so.
I wanted to write this for two reasons. First, so that all of you who may have known about the pregnancy can know, without me having to say it directly, that I am no longer pregnant. And, second, so I could get my feelings about it down. It's hard for me to speak these things and I know people will want to ask questions so these are my answers.


Bethany Hoyt said...

Kiki, I had a miscarriage a few months ago. you have no idea how hard it is until you have one. please call me if you want to talk or maybe we could go to lunch or something. i am so sorry. love you.

Claire said...

I realize that I have no firsthand experience of miscarrying. But please know that I'm always up for listening. And reading :)
I love you guys. And though you may not believe it sometimes, you ARE strong enough to cope. But that doesn't mean that it's not okay to just grieve sometimes. I usually feel better after I just let it out like you did today, right here.
I'm proud of you that you did that. Carry on, my dear. Things will look up.

Aimee said...


We know you were excited for this, otherwise you wouldn't have shared the news so early. Like Claire already said, YOU ARE STRONG. You can overcome this, and you will. Its just not your time yet, but hopefully soon. And when it is your time, you will be even more ready. Love you.

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