Monday, August 15, 2011

Feel free to not read this one

Two in one day, whew. I'll get back on track soon, I just had something jarring happen to me today and I wanted to post this and start this goal today rather than on Wednesday. This was scheduled to go up on Wednesday so some of it might sound weird.

Today's topic might make a few of you uncomfortable and I just want you to be fully warned before reading on. It's not something I'm uncomfortable talking about, if it were I wouldn't be writing this, but I don't want you to get yourself into something that you'll wish you hadn't started. Today's post will be personal and it will be about my weight. This will also be a lot longer than I usually like my posts to be.

If I gain one more pound I will be officially obese for my height. That's a disturbing thought. I've never been tiny and I've always known that I would have issues with my weight, but it's never been this real before. Please don't try to give me the "you look great" spiel because I know I don't and I know that I haven't for a long time.

I'm going to blame part of it on my genes. Both of my parents have struggled with their weight and most of my extended family has as well. I've been very impressed with several of my relatives, though, who have really tried hard to be healthy despite the genetic disadvantages. Both of my parents are excellent examples. My mom has lost over 80 pounds and is probably the smallest she's been in a long time. She looks great and feels great. My dad has lost 100 pounds and it makes me happy that he's getting healthier and will be around a lot longer than he would have been. I'm glad that my parents are healthy and happy and that they have tried so hard to get to where they are now.

I'm going to blame the second part of my current state on the fact that I am a lazy bum. I try to exercise regularly but it's so easy for me to make up excuses. "I was up really late last night," or "I have too many other things to get done today," or "I'm on my period," or "It's too hot outside to go running." I like the way I feel when I exercise but that's not always the best motivation for me. I've always been one for immediate gratification and sleeping in usually makes me happier more quickly than going for a run does.

And the third source of blame? I like to eat. A lot. I love the way food tastes and the way it feels in my mouth. I've never been happy with the way that I look but I always knew that I would never have issues with under eating because of the way I feel about food. I love different tastes and textures and trying new foods and recipes. My love of food gets a little weird sometimes though. Very often, I can't not eat something that I think looks good and sometimes it's so bad that I start eyeing the largest piece or desiring the last morsel. This is a terribly unhealthy habit and I know it's buried somewhere in my psychosis because I can feel weird parts of my brain firing and my blood pressure rising when I feel a particular need to eat something. I know, it's strange. I wish I could explain it better. And I really don't understand it, deep down I know that one bite will taste the same as the next or that I'll have other opportunities to sample this particular food, but for whatever reason I have to have the most and I have to have it now. I have a really strange relationship with food.

I can't control the genes part but I can control the other two. Those parts of me need to change. I'm all about loving my body and not comparing myself to others but it's hard to see someone who looks really cute in an outfit I like and know that I would never be able to wear it. And it's hard to think that people might be judging me because of my weight. And it's hard to always be "the fat friend" with all the tiny people around me. I want to be happy and I am often not. So, here's my goal and my promise to you. I am going to get in shape. I am going to regulate what I eat and I am going to exercise. I am going to lose weight and feel good about myself. I know that I'll never be a size 2 and I honestly don't want to be, but I want to be happy and I want to feel like I can wear clothes from the stores I like and I want to like the way I look and I want my husband to think I'm even more beautiful and sexy than he already does.

Okay, here's the hard part for me. It's something I don't do very often, and only the fact that I know I don't have very many readers is making me able to do this (I'm going to pretend that nobody pays attention to facebook and assume I only have 18 readers). I'm going to tell you how much I weigh. A few days ago I weighed myself at 191 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 29.9. Oh wow, that's a lot. I have put on 10 pounds since I graduated from BYU and it shows and I can feel it. I would really love to weigh what I did my senior year of high school. I tried really hard at the beginning of that school year and dropped 20 pounds to about 150. I was still "the fat friend" but at least I wasn't overweight anymore. And now, for a 23 year old woman, I'm going to say that's not a bad weight and it will put me in the normal range for my height. Plus, it will probably help to fix my infertility, at least I hope so. 150 pounds is my goal and my promise to you. I'm not going to set a definite time limit because I don't have any realistic idea of how long this will take, and if I do end up getting pregnant this will no longer be my goal, but I will lose 40 pounds, preferably within the next 6 months. That's roughly 1 1/2 pounds a week. I don't care if you're interested or not, but to keep me motivated I'm going to be making regular updates of my progress and about what I learn along the way.

Please don't take this to be a rant about how I want to be different than I am or how I wish I looked like the Victoria's Secret models or anything like that. Yes, I have body image issues, as I'm sure many do, but I try to be accepting of myself, even if I don't always succeed. This is more about the understanding that I am getting older and I'm not going to be able to always eat whatever I want with minimal consequences. The weight loss part is about getting healthy and then staying healthy. I don't want to be super skinny, and with my bone structure I can guarantee I never will, but I want to feel good about myself and I want to be healthy. To me, that's what this is about.

I started a new blog for this journey where I'll be making progress updates. If you want to read about it you can go to http://learningtolovekristen.blogspot.com/.

2 comments:

Karen Beck said...

I love you, Kristen! I understand exactly how you feel, but being 30 years older than you, I have a lot more years of experience with this issue! Last year, I started walking 3 miles a day and lost 40 pounds in a year (but I didn't lose a thing until I'd been walking for 4 or 5 months). I haven't lost anything in the last 6 months, but I do feel better and am able to wear a smaller size in clothes. I still have a long way to go, but I know if I keep at it, the blessings will come! My daughter Summer lost 70 pounds on Weight Watchers and was able to get pregnant after dealing with fertility issues for 5 years. I wish you the very best as you commit yourself to a healthier, more active lifestyle! You can do it, Kristen! I believe in you! :D

Kaj said...

Yes! I love this post! You can do it Kristen! I lost 60# between when I graduated from high school and my sophmore year of school. It can be done! YOU CAN DO IT! If you need some support, call me! If I were around I would go running with you, no question!

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