I have a confession to make

Cory and I found out that we were pregnant on March 2nd. It was the greatest birthday present.
We tried to keep it to ourselves but I'm afraid we (mostly I) told the news to way too many people. And now we have to deal with the pain of telling those people that we miscarried. I had been experiencing some spotting since the 3rd and went to the doctor on the 7th. They did some blood tests to check my hCG levels which went from 580 to 763 between the 7th, a Monday, and the 8th which is definitely good. On Wednesday, though, the spotting turned into bleeding and I was having some really bad cramps that afternoon and evening. The doctor we saw on Thursday thought that it was just too early in my pregnancy to be able to see anything on the ultrasound and that everything would be fine but with the amount of bleeding going on I knew I had miscarried. He ordered another blood test for this last Monday, the 14th, and unfortunately my levels had dropped to 71 which is a pretty good indication of a lost pregnancy.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I wanted this baby so badly and to lose it so soon is completely heartbreaking. Cory tries to reassure me with, "at least now we know that it is possible for us to get pregnant" and "the baby wasn't developing properly, don't we want to have a healthy baby" and other such things, all of which I understand and which are very comforting but it's still hard for me to distance myself emotionally from what was to be the next eight months.
I'm the kind of person who removes completely from a painful situation once I've been hurt and I kind of worry that I won't be able to bond with our next pregnancy. I'm not sure I want to. I'm not sure if I could stand it again. The thought of miscarrying again is the scariest thing to me right now. I don't think my heart or my faith would be able to handle the pain. Cory says that I feel things way too strongly and sometimes I wish that weren't so.
I wanted to write this for two reasons. First, so that all of you who may have known about the pregnancy can know, without me having to say it directly, that I am no longer pregnant. And, second, so I could get my feelings about it down. It's hard for me to speak these things and I know people will want to ask questions so these are my answers.

I'm so done with school. I love learning but I hate homework. I applied for graduation though so an end is in sight! Now I just have to figure out what I'm doing after graduation...

Just a few thoughts on yoga

I love yoga. It really helps to clear my mind. Something about the rhythm of my breath and the lengthening of my muscles just puts everything in perspective and I can sort through all of my thoughts and learn to trust my Heavenly Father. It's interesting to me that yoga is a religious practice for Hindus and Buddhists and yet, at least to me, it has implications in my own faith as well. That hour or so of meditation and focus really helps me understand my life better and my place in this world and in my Father's plan.

So many unanswered questions

And I doubt I'll receive answers any time soon.

I wish I knew things that I don't. I wish I knew what I would be doing after I graduate. I wish I knew how we would be able to afford a family with Cory still in school for the next 6 years. I wish I could see just a little bit of how the future will be.

I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I do have ambitions and things that I want to be or become but nothing that compares with having my own children. And yet, the more I think about what's in store for us, the more I wonder if that aspect of my life will be possible as soon as I was hoping it would. The more I think about it the more likely it seems that we just won't be able to afford it or handle the stress until we leave Provo and honestly, it kinda hurts. I go over these things and all the different scenarios over and over in my head but I can never draw any real conclusions. I've been trying to learn to trust the Lord but I've always been a forward thinker and being so unsure about so many things is hard. It's hard for me to humble myself to that extent. It's hard being so patient.

Nicole is here!

My mom and my sister came to Provo Monday night because NICOLE IS A FRESHMAN AT BYU and we've been getting her ready for living in the dorms and moving in and all that jazz. It's been great having them here and I'm really excited to have Nicole around. We don't get along too well when we have to live together but we can be really great friends if we just hang out once in a while. Anyway, we went to IKEA today to get her some things she needed and Cory and I bought some kitchen things we were wanting. We also went to DI and got a really nice ficus. Oh, and I love having my mom in town. She always buys me things. Like yesterday she brought home this gorgeous lamp and two nice bookshelves for us to put the rest of our books on. It's great to have them out of boxes. I'm so spoiled. And she's helping me decorate our new apartment. She's so much better at it than I am and I'm glad she's here to help.

P.S. This is my trying to keep goal #3. Today the blog was just more convenient than my journal.

Goodness

I honestly don't know what to do with myself sometimes. It's 11:30 pm and I'm home by myself because Cory is in New Mexico for the weekend. And for whatever reason I just can't bring myself to go to bed. I'm not being productive in the slightest. I'm just sitting here at the computer facebook and blog stalking people. What is my problem? I know I could accomplish so much if I could just apply myself. I need a new outlook on life and new goals.

Are you ready for this? You better hold me to this!

1. I'm going to have personal scripture study every morning before I eat breakfast for at least 20 minutes.

2. I'm going to exercise daily whether that be my various exercise tapes or an aerobics class or a walk with Cory after dinner or anything in between.

3. I'm going to be a better journal keeper. I need to record my memories. I've always prided myself on having a really excellent memory but I know I won't be able to remember the lovely little details of my life forever and I want to be able to look back on this time when I'm old and wrinkly and smile about it.

4. I'm going to be an early to bed early to rise person. Cory is a night owl and so it's hard to get to bed before 11:30 but I'm going to try my hardest to be in bed with or without him (hopefully with him).

5. I'm going to limit my computer time. The brethren talk about this all the time, how we should limit our time with technology and spend that time being productive or with our families. If you see me on facebook chat, tell me to get off :)

6. This semester I am going to be a great student. This is my big one. I usually just scrape by with the bare minimum on my assignments and with cramming for tests but I'm going to make a conscious effort to actually learn this semester. I only have two left and I'm determined to make the most of them.

Well that's it. I don't actually expect you to make sure I keep my goals but it helps me stay faithful to them when I think somebody else is expecting me to do these things.

Love you all tons!

I can't wait!!! I'm flying to Portland TOMORROW to see my hubby! I miss him like Alice misses Dinah; like Wendy misses Peter; like Louie misses Becky; like Tessa misses Guy; like Ai Ling misses Chen Yong; like Katniss misses Gale :) NOT like Bella misses Edward. Oh Heaven forbid, NO.